So today I�m contemplating life and am actually starting to be scared about my future. I�ve been thinking about that a lot lately, or maybe rather I�ve been finishing up the book the Hillary lent me forever ago and that�s the path the books taking, anyways�.
I�m not sure over the years what I have become or what I really want to do. I remember being a little kid in the summer and not being able to wait for school to start, I remember wanting to know everything I ever could and then I remember middle school and early high school days that I was just naturally smart. I didn�t have to do a thing and yet I was so good in school and pulled off great grades. I was in yearbook and team spirit things and really had motivation.
Where did that go?
So I dropped my clubs and slacked off in school and decided I didn�t care. And now I�m happier. But other people actually have motivation and that scares me because I�m not sure why I don�t.
My mom wants me to look into great schools and do this and that
I�m going to Penn State, I know that. I probably could do better�. But maybe in reality I�m just scared of change
As much as I want adventure I want to stick to what I know. I�m too much of a coward to go out of state and experience the world, I want to stay with what I know, who I know�.
And I�m still going into teaching. And it�s weird to think about cuz of the fact that I�ve always known that�s what I would do. In 7th grade I was like �I�m gonna be a teacher�� and thinking that I�m actually going to be doing that and living my life that way is scary and intimidating.
What am I doing with my life?
No idea. I�m just living it.
I know I want to help people in someway. I know I want to understand people and I know I want to see people.
I don�t know how to act at this point of my life. There are some things that I do that just make me feel so mature and adult like and sophisticated and independent, while I still live in my Disney and high school drama. I think I�m mature, at least at the times I need to be, but then maybe everyone is.
Sometimes I wish I could find someone who understands what I�m saying. And then sometimes I realize I want to keep my thoughts to myself because no one will ever understand ME.
I�m just confussed today and baffled by how life goes and what the point of it is and if the one I�m living I will be happy with. Or will I regret it?
I like to think I�m leading my life the way its meant to go, but I suppose I�ll never know how it would have gone considering I can only move forward. Hopefully the decisions that I�ve made end in a decent life, decent job for me in the future because I�m afraid of being friendless and a no one when I get older. I think my psychology learning has gotten me far although I still only have books that I�ve bought myself on the mind and my moms old college books. I have yet to read Mr. Parkers books and theories on child development psychology. I like seeing the ways things may be and I still want to understand the complex brains of people. I guess like Jamie and I discussed, you can never understand someone because even if you have many of the same experiences, youre a cd in their cassette player. He has quite the analogies.
To get back on topic, College should be sweet tho. Mitch is going to PSU, I wonder if we�ll be together. I mean seriouslay when I think about it�. I can�t see us not together. We survived this year, next year I can�t see myself losing him� we�ll go to college, date there, get married. Sure it�s a crazy thought, but I think in all honesty, or at least in my mind, its practical
I held him a few days ago. Andy, Mrs. Bricker, Mitch and I took Jessie (the dog) to the kennel which was far away and Mitch felt car sick and so he just laid in my lap and I held his shoulders tight. I wanted to play with his hair but I know when you want to throw up that makes you feel sicker so I didn�t much. I feel like I�m married to him. Just that we�re so chill together and we hardly ever make out make out but we just peck and laugh and understand what�s going on at the time and yet are entirely content.
He�s my first love. I thought Matt was� but that was like 9th grade stalker crush we shared moments love� not real love.
I feel like I�m rambling. I have so many main points that I don�t even know if they can tie together in context other than in my brain.
I think I�m curious about mentalities and life styles. After the beach I sort of learned that everyone responds differently to occurances and past has a lot to do with that. I don�t know what my past is� I live in a normal house, I�m not rich, not poor, my parents don�t fight, three girls and a boy, so what shapes this? I don�t know, I�m not going to try right now.
I wish I knew why people thought or did what they do. I wish I could achieve some greater knowledge and understand life. But like Jamie said, we are just fish seeing random arms and legs in the water and wondering how they move and what they are and never see the whole body that the legs are attatched to. The leg is just a piece of the body as what we know is just a piece of what is and we will never grasp the entirety of it. But what if the person goes underwater for awhile? The fish wont understand it, but it�ll know more than the rest, that�s what I want to be� that fish.
However the more I think I understand the more I realize I know nothing at all. It�s a complex world we live in. I think for people to understand each other they have to understand themselves. Most people have a basic understanding of certain things that are just born with them like explaining an emotion, most people can relate to the feeling. But maybe I just assume that, maybe everything is through experience.
That�s why you know who you�ve been around. You can reference times and things that no one else could understand. If I reference State College to someone whos never been itll only be a name of a place to them but when I think state I think a lot more.
It�s more like, if you�re not like me� I wont understand you I guess.
You need to have my mentality
Cuz I only know and can reference what I know and have lived, or have seen and taken in.
I�m perplexed by my thoughts.
Actually I�m just distracted because my mom got home with the groceries and we haven�t had good snacks in a while.
Perhaps I�ll finish this but maybe I wont.
HUNGARY!
Now
Food
Jessie
Go!
11:33 p.m. - 2004-07-12
Recent entries:
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