Honestly....
I hate my life so much.
I hate that it is my senior year and I don't have a fucking penny to my name. I hate that I can't save anything for college because I have to pay off all my damn bills. I hate that I can't go out with friends or see movies two nights in a row because I have no money of my own. I hate that I wont buy a $7 shirt or pay 23 cents to get a picture developed. I hate that I cant.
I hate that its my final year as a child and I live the life of an adult. I hate that with that I'm still not allowed to do anything or stay out late. I hate that it's my last year to have fun and spend and I don't have money. I hate that my life will be like this forever until I retire.
Forever. And I can never be a kid again. Even though everyone I know still gets to be.
I hate that I said a sentance that was almost a complaint to my mom about this. I hate that she was all 'this is your fault' and I hate how she can't understand. I hate that I showed that I care about this and how much it is bugging me because honestly it does nothing but make me look like a pussy who cant handle her life. It makes me look like a weakling. And it shows that I'm not okay. And all it essentially did was make her mad at me again. I should learn to keep my sufferings strictly to myself.
Once school starts maybe I'll be like everyone else. Because then I wont be sitting at home all day while they are out having the life I want. They will be in school like me and we will be equal.
I can't even go to walmart for an hour to get pictures! I can't even do that. Because its gas money and I dont HAVE money! Wow seriously someone help me get out of this. Cuz I don't think I can to it alone. Not only do I have no money I have no life. I haven't even seen Liz or Hillz since they got back because they don't have cars to get here and I don't have money to drive mine. My other friends are merely aquantiences and theyre sweet but I probably annoy them or something.
OPTIMISM JESS! Life's what you make of it dear. People have it so much worse than you, you have an awesome life.
And you know... thats how I act. My lifes sweet, I love it, I have tons of friends. And I guess if I pull it off and everyone believes I'm happy its good right? But what about me? I know my own truth and I know that I'm not happy. I've done a good job fooling myself, convincing myself I'm fine, now I jsut hate myself because I admitted that I'm not, and I told someone. I hate that I'm that weak to complain.
"We grew up way to fast now theres nothing to believe
The reruns all become our history"
I hate that I just made someone else feel guilty for my messed up situation.
It was bound to happen, and I had the greatest childhood, and greatest last summer. I have NO regrets
12:02 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004
Recent entries:
The book day one - 12-05-06
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