Went to Trevo-orrr's today...
I don't know how to write what I feel I'll honestly state that now.
I'm going to miss him so much and i think until now I was denying to myself that he was actaully moving...
He really is... tomorrows his last day
forever.
Everyday I love him more, and let down that wall that I have up when I first meet people. I'm sure now if he'd ask me to say smoke detect-orrrr, i would, in a second.
And the wall that I know I should be secretly building is not forming. In my head I should be prepairing for Trev's leaving. I should be building up a wall to my emotions
So I don't hurt.
I always build that wall
Why am I not? Why do I let myself fall for him so much more everyday? Why did I happen fall inlove with someone who I'll never see again?
And today was amazing... as always, when we said we'd never top our first night... well in the rush adventure sense we didn't but every second with trev is as good if not better than the last.
Today went- That 70s Show, Funniest Home Videos..., Basketball.
I don't want to type about it.
Why don't I?
This is what I do when I get upset.
I block myself to even me.
Ahhhh I hate when I get girly and want to cry. I guess im in tune with my emotions.
Thats how I remember--- that what I just did-- read to my fist convo with him...i remember cuz I wrote it.
I'm going to write him a note, its so hard though. Because I feel so sappy and im going to miss you-ish. But the note will have such a happy tune becuase until hes gone i wont realize hes leaving.
Until he says goodbye and i dont want to leave
Thats when I will realize I wont see him again. And I wont want to leave, i'll just want one last second
And I'll try to capture the last time i see his face on a stone template forever in my mind.
Goodbyes are the worst. They break me.
However this may be the only real goodbye ive ever made.
So if i already know theyre so hard for me without ever having one... i wonder how ill take this...
What if im the girl he knew for a week?
What if im that and he was the guy i fell inlove with and never wanted to be without?
I know he'll move on with life past state college. And I get scared that in a year he'll forget us completely. And then I realize he never had much time to know me, so I'll fade faster than the rest. And Jessie, she'll still be in State with all the people shes always known, wondering how hes doing.
You know I had this mini hope.
I thought... he wont really move
If I wish it enough, he wont
I ALWAYS do that!
With my cat i did
He was supposed to die and magically made it through the night and everyone said it was a miracle, and then he died.
Prom with mitch, he was set against it but i KNEW hed go with me, and he did
But TREVOR, he's actaully moving. And my heart can tell me whatever it wants, and it can have its magic hope that seems to change the world around me.
But trevor's moving and past tommorow i wont see him.
I dont cope with reality, i change it.
I cant this time, its out of my grasp, I wonder how I'll handle that.
I never met my second half before him. If i think about it it's peaceful...
I know everything happens for a reason, if its meant to be it will find a way.
That makes me feel okay, and then i quesion it. What if one decision could change that entire path. But if the decisions happen to form that path, is there such thing as free will? And don't all men have free will? So don't we choose our ultimate destinys?
What if he was supposed to stay here?
What if it has nothing to do with you jess and its HIS fam and HIS choice and not everythings about you???
Why am I so selfish???????
Sometimes I hate how i think.
Sometimes I close my eyes and see trevors face smiling at me really close.
Like I just did.
Why did things happen as they did? I forgot what love was like before him. My love life was sooo screwed up and i was so unhappy. He helped me remember what I forgot and learn what I never knew.
But cant he stay?
Blegh, I'll stop, Im not selfish im just in denial and im weird, i hate it.
If I was in the sappy mood im not letting my self get to id write his letter
I keep telling myself ill do it tomorrow, but night writings always better and tomorrow i wont have time and i HAVE to write this, i dont have an extra day.
nick and i are discussing final destination two, its keeping me sane and not typing.
trevor
i love the way his name looks
i love the way it sounds
and i love of how it matches him.
trevor
10:45 p.m. - Sunday, Aug. 01, 2004
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