Goodness gracias what a deep little child I was. Today it�s dreary and I�m grounded and basically the only thing I want to do is play in the rain with Trev but he�s gone for the afternoon so I am sitting here.
And so I got out my diary that�s from when I was 9, 10 and 11 years old��
Wow firstly I was the most basketball obsessed little kid that I�ve ever heard� secondly I was in love with Michael Cicippio. It cracks me up because everyday he tells my friends he hates me and so I�m like �I think I�m going to break up with Michael� or �I broke up with him but didn�t realize how much I still loved him until I saw him at the basketball game tonight and figured out that I�ll always love him and never get over him�.
I was nine and honestly� I don�t think Mike spoke more than two sentences to me that whole year� but still I loved him and was always breaking up with him!!!!
And then I said something that I still find clever now. Or at least something that I�ve been realizing about my actual life lately and it was interesting that I understood this half my life ago. I said:
12-19-96: Our basketball team won 32-18, I made 7 baskets and made 14 points for my team. I also broke up with Michael. All the boys love to beat him up. They say he�s a wuss and cries all the time. Which is true. You know why we didn�t have a good relationship? Because we weren�t friends first. I liked him and I never talked to him. That is why I love Sean now. Sean sat by me at lunch today. We were friends for two years so we will have a good time and we can talk. Its good we didn�t go out in first grade or he would hate me and he could be my boyfriend.
And I thought�.. wow� that makes pretty good sense. Because when I think about things and the way they occurred in my life, the best relationships are the ones that you know the person on friends terms first and don�t just go out with them because they like you�. That always brings awkwardness.
And I like the part where I state that I�m glad I didn�t go out with Sean when I liked him earlier� because then it wouldn�t have worked. And honestly that�s how it happens. If you like someone and go out with them, it turns out that you break up and move your separate ways. It makes me wonder where I�d be in life if my high school years would have been a bit different. If people I liked would have dated me only because I liked them, dumped me and that had been the end of it. Where would I be now.
Anyways, I�m glad for my friends because you have to know someone first as a person other than a cute boy to be successful.
AND THIS IMPRESSED ME! Because I was wallowing today looking at Trevor�s pictures and thinking he�s leaving.. and I read this POEM from HALF MY LIFE AGO!
�Things change and life goes on.
Some things stay and some pass
Some of which you love and some of which you hate
Some of which you cherish and hold on to forever
And some of which you let slip by
But all of these God has planned
And has meant them to be.
All of these will turn out for the best
And life will go on�
What a little thinker I was in the day. I�m gonna go enjoy myself and read some more little Jessie work to keep me entertained until I talk to Trevorrrrrrrr. Who said he thinks he loves me and I feel the same and I hate how he�s moving and I know its for a reason but I don�t understand it.
I ran today for basically ever and a half and did you know if you get really sad you start running mad fast. Try it. It works. Nah I was listening to a cd he made me and when it got to �Fate fell short this time� my mind raced with thoughts like WHYYYY did I find this perfect beyond perfect guy only to have him leave so soon. Why am I finally happy and thoroughly content and that�s going to be taken away?
Because my standards on guys have been highered again and the ones I would have liked before Trev are like� what.. who?.. ur not Trevor�
C�est la vie
Shit I lost that song too fucker
Ahhhhhhhhh but its okay! Because I have all of Nick�s music which = about 9/10ths of my old music, a lot of my new music and Trevor�s cds that are AMAZING to listen to. So I�m perfectly content with that.
Rainy rainy day. Buuut I don�t want it to go away cuz I want to play in it with Trevorrrr tonight!!!!!
Oh goodness this one makes me laugh too:
10-23-97: �Today was Ingmar�s Halloween party and we sang out loud to Now 3. All the boys were cussing, some girls were cussing at the boys too. Everyone swore when we sang along to �Bitch� by Merideth Brookes. In the school play I am Mary and Sean is Joesph. Sean said he didn�t want to be Joseph because he hated me. Well I hate his damn guts. I�ve had this fantasy to kiss MIKE on the lips now I feel I just have to. I can imagine me and him looking each other in the eyes then so slowly have out faces come so close that we can hear each others hearts beat and feel each others breath in our faces. Then we kiss, not just any kiss but a French one. Then slowly we stop look at each others and kiss again. Every night at one or so I look out my window for a shooting star. I look till one comes and I wish I could be kissed like that. The last few nights there have been clouds and no stars in sight. I was frightened. The stars seem to comfort me in a way.�
Sighhhhhh. I wonder if that�s what I wished when I saw the three shooting stars with Trevor. Either way�. It came true.
5:22 p.m. - 2004-07-29
Recent entries:
The book day one - 12-05-06
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names of summer - 06-01-06
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