I was scared and feeling sick because I feel so fucking much for Matt Ward. Honestly I think thats what it is. Because I am not a person to fall head over heels with someone, I'm too cautious and I need the problems and I need the chase and I need the conflict.
Matt and I are chill. And we are awesome when we chill. And I think I got scared because he was so nice to me. He rubbed my shoulders and played with my hair and went along with my random plans and kissed me goodnight so perfectly.
I need the chase though, I need to feel like I have won and its not just bam you win! You know. But still I can't get him off my mind and so many memories are resurfacing and it baffles me.
And when I'm not with him I tend to think about how much we actaully HAVE been through together. It's more than I tend to realize.
Matt Ward... 7TH GRADE-he was my first guy I ever flirted with. He was my first boyfriend, my first hug, my first slow dance and my first kiss. 9TH GRADE- my first making out, the first time i really saw a penis, my first handjob, and we went through so much shit together with the whole church thing. I went to all of his house parties in the spring and it was always jessie and matt... maybe not in the right sense, but we were always together.First time giving head. Going on runs.10TH GRADE- decades project, my virginity, first time getting eaten out. Diary in the mailbox, thinking I was pregnant --But there were so many things we grew up together with, like we got confirmed together and we had ccd every month and at shycon every year id tend to fall inlove with him and the way that hed hold my hand and look into my eyes on the bus. We worked together for two summers and there were so many days we'd just chill out at that front desk and so many thunderstorms we sat there together.
But its just when I look BACK it tends to be like... high school, and then i realized i liked him soooo much in middle school and its like whoa...
Honestly... I may have known him longer than anyone else I'm still friends with....
Wow shit thats weird, thats actaully 100% true what I just said.
And all those years I wished we could be something and we never were... and now I'm like... wtf.. you like me? this is insane.
I got scared and such, all today i was yearning for conflict. But honestly...
This is all I want
8:51 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 17, 2004
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