Today's going to be weird.
With a single run I could tell I'm going to be having a lot of memory flashes.
So I went on a 72 minute run today. I know it was that long because I ran for my entire cd and wouldn't let myself stop until it was done. My cd has burps or hiccups throughout the songs. I'm guessing its from the burner but the burps don't bug me. Actaully they make me smile.
If you have a logical explaination for why that is tell me.
I know my reason.
And it is wicked hot out there! It made me sweat profusely but sweat is awesome becuase I feel acomplished.
I wore a tank top and shorts so at least I didn't have sleeves. However for the fist time in forever I wore socks. Go figure.
And my normal path is grown over. Its still run able but there are thistles and tall crab grass everywhere. And currently im an itchy, scratchy, sweaty mess...
And I love it. I guess im the outdoors type.
I chuckle at people who aren't. Can't handle it.
And my run was eventful. Got 3 nats fly in my nose.... tickled and i was like ehhhhhh buuuuuug.
I i was forced to snort them out, attractive i know. I was wondering if i could get them to come out my mouth. I mean if you can get spagettii to do it....
Basically to sum up my run if i don't understand what i just meant by all of that someday....
I miss Trev, and everything i do reminds me of him in some way. Something he said, something we did, something we saw. Something.
I haven't gone on my spiel about how effective the sense of smell is to the mind yet in this diary. Or told how a smell can bring a million memories rushing back and jsut give you the feeling of a time that you could never explain. I'm not going to go into that though. I'm just noticing i still have swiss army sprayed on my starting line t.
Yesterday I went on my college tour for altoona campus. I think I'm going 2 and 2. Major in elementary ed and minor in psychology. Minors aren't necessary really especially since its not related to my major... but i want to know psych. For myself.
I want to know why people do what they do, why they think what they think and. I want to know everything about the mind i can, how memories work, i know that well already from my huge speech last year, but how i can save memories. I want to change the world. I want to create a theory thats successful. I want to figure out something about the mind that hasn't yet been discovered.
Psychology is my passion. Anything about it just pulls me in and ill spend hours reading my psych books putting in book marks and trying to link things ive already read. Its the one thing that ill do endless research on and i just love with all my heart.
I wish I was majoring in psych but my moms so against it. And I'm not listening to her but i know it would require 6 years and we don't have the money and im not even sure if ill enjoy it as much as i enjoy my independant studies.
Anyways elementary ed is what i enjoy too. Anything artistic that uses the mind or enhances the mind or makes learning easier i love. I love making colorful posters with stickers and glue and most of all i love finding ways to apply learning to life. I love explaining things in a way that kids will understand them, through games, or through questions or activities. To me its the only way to learn. So many teachers tell about the world but you only get the facts and messages into your head if you apply them to yourself and grasp the understanding in your life.
Thats what i will do
I will change the world.
Sometimes I hate my life. Honestly. I'm sitting here at my computer thinking of what to type and going on about what i want to do and telling about me. But im not telling me. If i actaully wrote what i was thinking at this moment it would be well that i write for facts and symbols but not for what i feel. And a diary is to express feelings is it not? I hate how sometimes i express myself and then others i just tell about the world.
Fuck the world, this is jessie.
Jessie is sad but still in denial that trevor is gone and she is wondering why she is so affected by this since she knew him for 2 weeks. She wonders how she fell in love so fact and is amazed at how perfect he is. She is angry that she didn't get to know him better or that she didn't know him longer while he was in state college. Shes also angry that people he did know for so long didn't know a damn thing. Like julie. Okay its mean because not everyone can know everything. I mean i know theres so much i dont know about him. But its like oh dogs what are thier names.... missy and molly geeeez i just wanna answer his life to her. And then shes like wow you ate fish why does your mouth hurt? WELL i know why!!jfajfdjokda wisdom teeeeeth! seriously she actaully belived bryce was a foster child who was actaully named fred and thought his fan was an air filter. Trev is obsessed wiht fans and its such a nifty purchase he made that fan. And i wish everyone knew that and i wish everyone understood that about him. I wish they knew that the white scar on his right arm is from breaking up male dogs and i wish they knew, i wish they knew so much and weren't so sarcastic with him.
I just wish i knew him longer because i barely know him and then i see the people that did know him longer and they know nothing about him.
I guess i only have one example so thats not fair. Its jsut he went downstairs to say goodbye to his bro and they were telling me this obvious stuff i already knew about him. And im like yeah.....
And they wanted to cry. And thats dumb that i dont like that cuz they probably did but seriously if you know so little, how could you cry. IIII wanted to cry! I wanted to cry so bad every time i thought about how it was our last night and how much i loved his kisses or how he sang and danced with me.
I'm going to miss him so much
And maybe i dont even have the right to say that. I know a lot of people knew him better than me and had more times together.
Who cares about rights to miss him. I WILL miss him and i dont care if people think i shouldnt. I'll never find another guy like him. Ever. He's Trev. Trevor Kene Shipley.
And its starting to hit me becuse i always get angry before i get sad and right now i am angry at everyone who didnt bother to get to know trevor and only knew of him.
Fuck them.
Listening to my sad i'll remember music isn't going to help me i know. But i dont care, I need that stuff sometimes.
Well... i need a shower, runs make me smell. Runs also make my mind think clearly and they melt off my pain with tiredness...
Yay for runs
Yay for jessie
Yay for trev-orrr
Please let me be okay, because i really think i'm not going to make it.
12:16 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004
Recent entries:
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