This is the third time I've written since I woke up this morning. At first I wasn't going to because I was deeming it worthless and boring
And then I decided I like writing and its one of the things that really help me in life, I enjoy it and it enables me to figure things out that are flying through my brain. So why stop that?
Jones is yelling at me saying I'll go back to Mitch and that I do this everytime... I know... I do. But this summer I've grown up...
I don't need Mitch in my life to be happy. I don't need to chase people around and stalk them to have someone care. I don't have to give up my time and happiness in hopes that something will someday happen.
In a way I don't want him to come today. I feel if he shows up at my door I'll want to slam it in his face and die, because then he will have made and effort... but nothing would be closed and I'd have to endure this for longer.
He's the only one the only thing thats ever made me cut myself. The only one who makes me hate my life so stongly. There have been two other times that I have that weren't pain related to him. But he just makes me hurt. And for all the happiness we go through, it only makes the pain hurt worse.
I dont need that, I dont need to hurt. I don't want the life that he's willing to give me. He's not willing to give me one at all. I know that if he came over he'd yell at me for the hair dye, the hemp, the psych book on my floor. He'd decide thats not how he wants me to be because its not cool. And you know... at one point in my life I would have listened to him, at one point I would have done anything he said to be how he wanted me to be. But I don't care anymore. If I can't be the me I want to be, to be happy with who I am, then what can I be happy about? People come and go in your life but only YOU are ever always there for yourself.
I'm me and I've grasped an understanding of who that is through many influences that have long since faded. But whether they are in my life or not, everyone teaches you something, some people teach you a lot, and whether they were a good or bad person they taught you somethign even if its how NOT to act.
From Mitch I learned to always stand up for what you think is right no matter what anyone else will tell you. He stood up for me to his friends and it meant the world to me becuase I've never had someone stand up for me like that before. I decided that not everyone feels the same about everything, but if you believe something don't let anyone else change that.
Why did I give up so much of my life for him? Where would I be now if I had really left any of those times I said I was going to? And should I even think of that?
I've learned you can't change the past and all you can do is derive lessons from it. There's no use looking back and wondering what if, because essentially it will only make you sad because you'll never know how it could have changed things and you can never go back. So you just have to take that day, and the day after that and make ur life.
I'm buiding from scratch. I'm starting at who I was as a child. What I cared about then when I wasn't influenced by the outside world so much. I'm going back to when I had no friends and was totally myself. Because I don't care that I talk to myself and I don't care if I don't mind being alone. I don't care that I'm still a kid at heart and wish on stars.
I love myself.
Not being concieted or anything like that. I just love who I am and what I believe in and how I think and work. And I don't want anyone to try to take that away from me. I know that people will influence me thats a given and people need to have new influence to progress in their lives and learn. But I'm making the calls.
I think what I've learned this summer will follow me through life...
Be who you are and be confident in it
And I'll never forget that.
If Mitch doesn't come today I know that it's his loss and I know he will regret it. I just hope that someday he looks back and sees what he gave up, jsut cuz he refused to stop by her house.
Maybe I'll teach him a thing or two about life. Then again maybe I'll have little impact at all on his
I hope someday I can make a positive impact on the lives of others because you live and then you die... and I can't find any more fulfilling quest during life than making the lives of others better to live.
I've messed up in my past and I regret so many things. But from them all I have learned and someday I'll get life straight. I want to change the way Brick did. I want to find that.
But as I said earlier today determines the rest of my life. This is the day that a branch is taken and the path is chosen. It kind of scares me because I know what I'm doing will make a difference in the future. But I know the one path I wont take is going back to him if he chooses not to show up
I don't need that pain.
I know someday I'll find someone who understands me and accepts me the way I am. Someone who sees things the way I do and has faith in themselves.
Until that day, I'll get up and live, because I don't want to use my life sitting around waiting for something. I want to live it to the fullest and thats just what I'll do.
"And I'll remember the strength that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own. I'll remember the way that you changed me, I'll remember. And I'll remember the love that you gave me, now that I'm standing on my own. I'll remember the way that you saved me... I'll remember" -Madonna
11:52 a.m. - 2004-07-21
Recent entries:
The book day one - 12-05-06
random girls info - 06-01-06
names of summer - 06-01-06
names of summer - 06-01-06
one week in - 05-14-06
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