Welcome to my recovery book.
In this book I place my hopes and dreams to remember what i want and why I'm really here. At the same time this book is filled with struggle and some pain. For how can bettering yourself be completely painless? I lnow I've gone down some wrong paths which made me begin to form to a lifestyle which is completely wrong for the right path.
In this book we break the habits.

This book is dedicated to all those who have hurt that they might realize its not necessary. To all those who told my life story back to me when I thought I was the only one with the pain of heartbreak. And finally this books to me and my hopes to heal.

And so we begin.
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Happiness...is two kinds of icecream. Thats what the Peanuts song in 2nd grade taught me. But really its not just the McDonald's swirl in the middle of the machiene or even a box of neopolitian. Happiness is two kinds of life. The good and then sometimes the bad. Although the bad seems like anything but happiness, it is the element that keeps you on track. It's the piece of your life where you realize you need adjustment, you rething if this path will really keep you happy.
Today I start with that second type of icecream...
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I'm in recovery. This morning starts day one, which means that as excited as I am to start this new renewed me, I have no new strength. I means although I have been hurt by a boy and realize I need a change, I'm still hoping somewhere in my heart that I'm just over reacting.

This boy is a john tucker, welcome to the all too familiar story of the 'player' and the typical denial of the girl in thinking, no matter how sharp she usuallly is, that this boy is NOT him.

THis boys the one that makes you feel guilty when he is at fault. You then want to do better for him and feel an apology to him is needed. He makes you think youre the only one important to him, even though you know he goes out with others. He's the sex crazed male who gets what he wants without reguards to feelings.

One small segment of this journy is figuring out if this john tucker can be a friend. This has become a segment because as i said.... this is day one. i am weak. I want to keep him in my life for security still. and if i can have that without pain, then maybe that could be a wonderful thing.

An old coach once told my friend going through a brek up to just stick with your daily routine. It will bring you comfort in your difficult changing life at the moment. I also know a quote that says 'do what you always did and youll get what you always got."

This is a time to get out of those ruts and old habits. Although they feel like YOU, why not see how far you can go? Now I'm not saying change ur job or move away, but why not sit at another seat for breakfast? Simple things like this will helf you remember youre still you, familiarity in life or not. Youll begin to feel refreshed in time.

For the last part of day one, I say...stop reading (myself stop writing) and go DO something. NOthing will drag you down more in wallowing in ur miserys, haveing this hope that you CAN make it and only staying with that thought. Do it! Do something different, something seamingly a boring drag, something uve been meaning to do, ANYTHING. Youll feel accomplished loater on. Youll have done something with ur day. And best of all its been for you! I bet you almost, just for a second, forgot all about HIM.
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Love is blind. It also seems to make you blind. It makes you into a pile of blubbery lovey mush. You correlate anything happy with HIM. Which is nice until you are unhappy and you feel that you need him. He has become ur drug without you even knowing. Its a sharp pain, the less you try to do it without him the more you wish you were back to that time. You take comfort in the familiar. It becomes mre a fault of YOu and HE becomes the good guy to you again. He feels right in ur heart. Ur hurt, ur drowning, ur blind.

In my case i accepted this boys faults. I assumed i didnt like these things about him but i could shaped those things about him. I'd keep the rest, the things i loved. so why now am i a lazy druggie who skips class and doesnt think about the future like his faults? I was blind. Love is blind.
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"Babys black balloon makes her fly, I almost fell into that hole in ur life"....
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next comes the hard part. the crutch. you feel you need one, a new drug. something, SOMEONE, to make you feel some sort of normal, maybe become the things he isnt. I know in this case that temporary crutch ended up turning into yet another HIM. YOu dont need a cruth. For the most part you will prolly just freak out this boy and lose a friend. you dont need a back up or come back. YOU need to fully heal. Be a friend first and foremost.
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"coming down the world turned over"
it'll be right side up again. till tomorrow.

11:09 a.m. - 12-05-06