i dont like it here. i dont like that its not my life.
i'll be corney and make an analogy. i'll say that its nearly impossible to tame a stallion. but once you do you can't let it out in the wild again. because it's not wild anymore, and it will die.
i don't want conflict, or controversy, or shadiness or pain or anything anymore.
i learned how to be so content with life that i didnt want anything else. nothing.
and then i went to college and he doesnt talk to me as much and i have no idea what to do cuz i dont know why hes not talking to me. i swore he liked me, maybe he just said that, but i always took him as a sincere person, was that a facade?
i'm so lost. i was the last person i ever thought to get homesick. i guess thats when i was restless tho. now i want that home back. i cry all the time here. i go up to my room and just bawl. i almost broke down at work today. its awful.
and it wouldnt even be that bad. i'd get through my day easily if he were still my best friend. but apparently when i left town i was less of importance.
i have no motivation in life tho and i think im becoming depressed and i want to tell him how i feel but he already knows and i feel like a complete stalker cuz i always talk to him and he never responds and thats the worst feeling in the world cuz i talk with my heart and then its silence on the other end. and THATS why i held back! for christs sake i knew id fall this hard and i fucking protected myself to the death and then i gave in because i realized i couldnt live without him and now look at me. i dont regret it tho. i love the way i feel about him. and look here i go crying again. i didnt used to cry. i was so fucking stubborn about hurting.
i fucking hate this i hate it i hate it i hate it so so fucking much.
i just hurt. i walk around and i have no friends and my best friend was him and he barely talks to me and i need him more than ever now but i dont want to tell him that cuz then id feel bad, like i'm making him feel guilty so he has to talk to me even tho he really doesnt.
why doesnt anyone else here cry all the time. why am i always fucking crying? why do i miss him so much? why did i let myself get attatched? why did i fall for him? what does he want from me?
its been so long since ive cared about someone. its been even longer that ive gotten so upset about them.
its the first time ive cried this hard. i feel selfish, im crying for me and not for someone else. im crying cuz im miserable and hurt and i hate that i feel like im babying myself.
its so hard to make friends here when i had such great ones back home. no one really seems to care and maybe im paranoid but i dont think anyone really wants to try to know me.
my roommate said im more quiet than usual today but im trying to be happier now more than ever. and if thats what my looking happy comes off as then no ones gonna want to know me.
i'm so sad right now. i really wish i could explain it. i really wish i could just pour all my saddness and hurt and lonliness on to this screen and once it was all there it could leave me.
the hardest thing is my missing him. and wtf am i talking about anyways. i wasnt even with him tho i wish i would have been. i regret so much now. id do anything for him now. for some reason i had the impression i wasnt too late. i guess i was wrong there too.
im very very empty inside. im at the pt if anyone was to walk in here an see me crying id spill everything to them just cuz i want someone to listen so badly.
i wish he would still be there more like he was. im so scared and so lonely here and id feel so much better if i could tell him about my days. this is so hard for me.
and theres no making it better. i have no idea what to do.
7:44 p.m. - 09-01-05
Recent entries:
The book day one - 12-05-06
random girls info - 06-01-06
names of summer - 06-01-06
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