So I sort of lost it today and last night and i feel horrible and im so tired from all my endless sobbing. And I hate when I cry because I always feel like I am not supposted to. But I know what I cried for was purely why I was crying and was tainted with nothing else.
"Don't give up on your faith love comes to those who believe it, and thats the way it is"-Celiene Dion
This is my life, this is my belief, these songs helped me through life so much. I thought that they were true, I thought that if you waited enough love would eventually previal through the pain. But then I REALLY look at life- and i realize ive loved nick for 4 years- and then realize im gone in less than one and i NEVER got my chance with him. And in my mind i always thought that i would, that eventually it would work out.
So i decided that loving nick hurt too much cuz he always loves everyone but me. So i decided id give him an ultimatum- be with me or never talk to me again.
And I'm not sure if i cried because it hurts so much to see him with other people, becuase i never got that chance that i was so convinced i would, or my thoughts of missing him so intensely.
And then i felt like shit cuz i left him all these ims saying 'we have to talk' and he called all worried that i was pregnant and i realized if i told him and gave him that choice at that point he'd get pissed and think i was worthless.
I think I really over reacted
I think I'm really hurt by this all
I guess its just realizing all the little things i believed in to get by proved themselves not true
and the one person i realized i cant live without will be out of my life in a year.
ill stop sobbing.
10:02 p.m. - Saturday, Oct. 02, 2004
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